Wednesday, May 20, 2015

the cloudiest of days

I once remember talking to a friend of mine on the phone one evening. This friend was going through a very rough time, and I remember him telling me "Grace, one thing that I like about you is that you are so optimistic, even through the worst of times."

That was only a few months ago.

I don't think the same thing could be applied right now.

I told you guys about the struggles my family has had in my past posts.  We just moved back into our house two weeks ago, and I finally thought things would slow down and go back to normal.  That was definitely not the case.

My family was hit with one of the most hurtful and devastating things just last Wednesday.  One person that was very close to me and my family walked out on us...for good. We've since found out a lot of what this person was saying behind our backs about our family (as a whole and individually) and let me tell you...they are some of the biggest lies I've ever heard.  To say I'm hurting right now would be an understatement.

This person was someone that I told everything to, and that played a big role in my life.  It hurts that she doesn't ever want to come in contact with me or any other member of my family ever again.

Tonight I was brought back to what my friend told me- "You are so optimistic."

Believe me, the past week especially, the last thing I've been is optimistic.

Ever since last Wednesday, I feel like God hasn't been there.  I feel like this was one more blow against me and my family, and honestly I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.  I wish that our horse never went blind, that our house never flooded, that my grandmother was never diagnosed with dementia, and that this person so close to my family never walked out on us.

I've been so overwhelmed.

I've felt that my spiritual life has been dry the past week. I got to where I wouldn't read my Bible in the mornings like I usually did because I felt like I couldn't possibly read anything that would help me. Then I watched this video...

I was reminded that even on the cloudiest of days, the sun is still shining. Even when I don't think God is there, He really is.  Even when I don't necessarily feel His presence like I usually do, it doesn't mean that He walked out on my life.

I'm not saying that I've stopped hurting, and I'm not saying that it has gotten easier. I still feel like, because of what this person did to me personally, someone got a knife and drove it right through my core.  But I've found hope again.  Hope that God is still there, and that He is for me, He is with me, and He loves me, even when I can't feel it.  He's always there.

"I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence...
If I ride by the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me."
Psalm 139 7,9-10

3 comments:

  1. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified.
    For the Lord will be with you wherever you go.

    I'll pray for you! <3

    Blessings,
    Keila

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  2. Dear Grace,
    I'm so sorry to hear that. We've had something close to that, and I can imagine it hurts. I know a bit of it. I won't ask who it was...that's your business. Though I'm very glad that your house is able to be inhabited, and that your horse has a good home; I can understand that you are sad and hurting, and maybe confused. Yes, God is still here! I notice that when I ask God to give me faith, and patience, there comes a test. I don't know if you have experienced that.
    Grace, some people who are optimistic don't always have to be at every time. It's a inner strength that God gives to those who are His, when they can show that they are trusting in Someone other than themselves. It's great that someone noticed. You can tell him about the peace that Christ gives, that surpasses all understanding. We are nothing, and we can do nothing. But we have a great and mighty God. A God whose arm is not too short to save. A God that nothing is impossible with Him. Keep trusting Him, Grace!
    Love and prayers for everyone,
    Danni

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  3. Wow, I'm sincerely sorry about all that has happened to you Grace. What has happened to you is not fair and there is no reason why you should feel okay about it. It's normal for you to feel this way because no one expects you to overlook all that has happened. I admire your strength through this, even though it seems to you that you didn't do that well. You've been through a lot, and God sees that. But know that you are not alone. I've also had family problems and personal problems too. Especially with my faith. Sadly i have also not picked up my Bible for almost a month. The good thing is that you can learn from all of this and move on. Moving on might take awhile but trust in God. He knows that you love Him so much Grace. And about the person that treated your family so inexcusably and terribly, don't frown much about that, after all, "people are people and sometimes they change their mind and they throw rocks at things that shine." That person has no excuse to do this to your sweet family. Sending your family a hug and I hope you trust in God through this tough times. LOVE YOU!

    God bless.

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