Wednesday, May 20, 2015

the cloudiest of days

I once remember talking to a friend of mine on the phone one evening. This friend was going through a very rough time, and I remember him telling me "Grace, one thing that I like about you is that you are so optimistic, even through the worst of times."

That was only a few months ago.

I don't think the same thing could be applied right now.

I told you guys about the struggles my family has had in my past posts.  We just moved back into our house two weeks ago, and I finally thought things would slow down and go back to normal.  That was definitely not the case.

My family was hit with one of the most hurtful and devastating things just last Wednesday.  One person that was very close to me and my family walked out on us...for good. We've since found out a lot of what this person was saying behind our backs about our family (as a whole and individually) and let me tell you...they are some of the biggest lies I've ever heard.  To say I'm hurting right now would be an understatement.

This person was someone that I told everything to, and that played a big role in my life.  It hurts that she doesn't ever want to come in contact with me or any other member of my family ever again.

Tonight I was brought back to what my friend told me- "You are so optimistic."

Believe me, the past week especially, the last thing I've been is optimistic.

Ever since last Wednesday, I feel like God hasn't been there.  I feel like this was one more blow against me and my family, and honestly I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.  I wish that our horse never went blind, that our house never flooded, that my grandmother was never diagnosed with dementia, and that this person so close to my family never walked out on us.

I've been so overwhelmed.

I've felt that my spiritual life has been dry the past week. I got to where I wouldn't read my Bible in the mornings like I usually did because I felt like I couldn't possibly read anything that would help me. Then I watched this video...

I was reminded that even on the cloudiest of days, the sun is still shining. Even when I don't think God is there, He really is.  Even when I don't necessarily feel His presence like I usually do, it doesn't mean that He walked out on my life.

I'm not saying that I've stopped hurting, and I'm not saying that it has gotten easier. I still feel like, because of what this person did to me personally, someone got a knife and drove it right through my core.  But I've found hope again.  Hope that God is still there, and that He is for me, He is with me, and He loves me, even when I can't feel it.  He's always there.

"I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence...
If I ride by the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me."
Psalm 139 7,9-10